Shit Grandma Says

Straight from the mouth of my very Jewish grandmother

On the dog’s diet…

Grandma: I have a Jewish dog. He’s pretty much kosher and he loves vegetables.

Talking to fax machines…

Phone rings, Grandma answers.

Grandma: Hello?

A fax machine beeps through the speakerphone.

Grandma: Hello? Hello? Goodbye.

Me: Grandma, it’s a fax. They have the wrong number.

Phone rings again, Grandma answers.

Grandma: Hello? Hello?

Fax machine continues to beep through the speakerphone.

Grandma: If you are trying to fax me, this is the wrong number. The correct number is (tells fax machine her fax number).

Me: Grandma, that’s a machine not a person.

 

On things that soothe…

Me: I’m getting my period.

Grandma: I know, I can tell. You’re holding your boobs.

Me: It’s soothing.

Grandma: So what? My behind feels better when I shove my finger up it. Should I walk around like that?

On washing pots…

Grandma is washing a pot after a family dinner…

Me: Grandma, can I wash that for you?

Grandma: Oh no! I hate the way you wash pots. It needs to shine. These pots cook better when they are extra shiny… For reflective purposes.

Me: ?????

On her days as a rebellious child…

Grandma: I remember them lining us up for a fire drill, and I was shortest so I was meant to be in front. I was trying to get up there when the principal started scolding me for being out of line, and when I argued back, he raised his hand to smack me.

Me: What did you do?

Grandma: I raised my hand and said, “You hit me, I’ll hit you back!”

On gefilte fish…

Talking to my aunt…

Grandma: I really think she’s anti-Semitic. She keeps saying how much she hates gefilte fish.

Me: Grandma! The fact that I hate gefilte fish does not make me anti-Semitic!

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